Internal Babble

I am not the problem

I am not the drama

I am a good person

I am lovable.

But am i?

This is the constant war raging within myself.

Am I the problem?

I am damaged.

I am broken.

I am unlovable.

Yet, I didn’t cause these issues. Was I born this way or was I made? Made by evil people making me a victim.

But why can’t I fix it. Why can’t I fix myself. I feel like my brain is hard wired to respond a certain way and I will never fix that.

I’m sick of breaking down.

I’m sick of pretending to be okay.

I’m sick of not being able to voice my concerns or opinions.

Why can’t I just be assertive. If someone is being a dick to me, why can I not say something. Why must I always just accept people for their vicious behaviour.

I feel like this break down is going on forever and no end in sight.

But I’m scared it will be a long time because I will pretend to be okay. I feel like I’m becoming such a burden on Jake, that I will just start telling him everything is okay. Telling him I’m fine and not to worry, while I bottle it up inside. The problem is, I’m excellent at doing that.

I’ve developed this mask for many years. My parents didn’t even know I was being abused for a long time because I can hide it so well.

I smile every day,

I laugh most days,

I get up and go to work every day, generally.

I keep a beautiful house,

I cook for my husband and kids every day,

I care for everyone and love everyone dearly.

As I smile, I break more inside because no one sees through my lies. My mask.

No one sees the scared, crying child inside me.

No one can see the internal babble in my head.

I am alone in my thoughts.

Only i am privy to the darkness in my mind.

I am the only one that sees the truth behind my smile.