Dream of a painful desire

I dream of pinching my skin and pushing through the sterile needle, slowing.

Intensely focused as I force the needle straight through the flushed, sensitive skin.

As it penetrates through to the other, I sigh with relief. Wanting more, needing more.

I release my pinch, instantly blood trickles from the wound. Gradually pulling the needle and thread through, holding my breath, feeling my rapid heartbeat.

I watch as my arm transforms from pale white skin to blood red. I swallow a hard lump in my throat as I feel the thread gliding underneath my skin and dragging to the other side.

Feeling burning pain, followed by the pull, the drag of the thread.

Continuing to pinch, stab, and release the skin on my forearm. Feeling shame, but not shame from the act, shame from feeling the pleasure. Feeling the desire. The anticipation of doing another stitch.

I tie the knot at the end, completing my masterpiece.

Sadness washes over me, I have finished. I need more. I want more.

I battle my inner monolog, ‘you’re a bad person, you’re disgusting’ but I feel so alive, I feel warmth and joy. Something lost to me for many years.

Feeling like I've lock away yet another part of myself.

Feeling joy from the pain.

Feeling the guilt.

Feeling the desire to repeat.

I wake. Breathless. Sweaty. Confused. Excited.