Trapped in the embodiment of fear.

Every waking moment, I'm paralysed. Every thought rattle through my head as a catchy ear worm to a popular song. Every decision is meticulously thought out in several steps and subsections of choices. Every daily task that "normal people" make freely without second thought, plagues me as if I'm face to face with my deepest fear.

I'm sick of interrupting ‘signs’ incorrectly. I'm tired of believing I'm the problem, I'm defective, I'm damaged, I'm broken.

The weight the crushes me every day, making it hard to breath, hard to see life from the perspective of others. It makes engaging with people, distasteful.

The taste of fear.

Over and over again, I reassure myself, it's okay, its anxiety, you can do this. And yet every day I continue to battle mundane tasks. Is it anxiety? Is it okay? Am I just incapable to normalcy?

What is my brain doing, is there something wrong with my wiring. Why do I process everything differently. Why in every situation, am I the one left crying and distraught.

Why must I always “push on, move forward". Why must I complete stupid rituals before I do something as simple as using my debit card. Falling to pieces as hail falling from the sky, crashing to the ground. Unable to continue if my ritual is interrupted. Why must I over think everything, analysing every interaction.

Why am I this way. Genetics? Trauma?

Just the runt in the litter of life.

Always struggling to survive basic human interactions while everyone thrives. Why must I be this way? Life is a battlefield as many great musicians sing about. It's a popular topic for those creative humans. But why must our minds intensify those battlefields to be worse. Why must my mind invoke such horror in myself.

Why must my neurons fire rapidly that they can create whole movies in seconds, flashing before my eyes. Worst case scenarios a million miles per hour, racing like a drug addict. Always looking for its next fix, it's next fear to exploit, it’s next situation to make me run from. It's next social meltdown making me feel like the idiot, incapable of processing. A computer frozen in time.

I need a release, I need strategies and yet as I write these words, who am I to share them with?

No one because I am no one.

I'm alone in this room full of thriving humans and I'm so alone. The invisible person suffering on the inside.

Never to be whole.

Never to be accepted as the brokenness I am.