How I Discovered what I am

Oh boy! The process to get assessed, diagnosed, and treated for anything relating to mental health as an adult is nearly impossible and disgustingly expensive.

I started my journey back in my prepubescent years. Back in the early 2000’s. Starting primary school off as a gifted child, advanced beyond my peers. However, I shortly became motionless in the education world. Unable to progress forward as expected by all, falling behind. This ignited my mother’s war against the health and education systems, to discover my problem.

After a two-year battle, I was diagnosed with a learning disability. Utilising different therapist and techniques, we believed things would improve from there.

Unfortunately, not.

It was suggested to my mother during my assessment to pursue testing for autism (ASD), as my specific learning disability is commonly seen in autistic children. However my mother did not. I do not blame her, but I do wish she had sought this opportunity as I imagine my life would have been immensely different.

Sent to my first therapist for bossiness, I left that office forever changed. My bossiness was cured but I could never regain my ability to stand up for myself. Unclear why this occurred but I believe it had something to do with my poor social understanding. Being told at a young age that I was rude and bossy, I somehow developed a system to never communicate concerns, thoughts, or feelings to anyone again. This has been an issue I battle still to this day. I retreated into my own world, my shell.

This led to horrendous bullying (Story for a later entry) and I truly believe, it made me extremely vulnerable to becoming the victim of domestic violence.

Continuing my road trip of mental illness, in adolescence I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

Early 20’s was diagnosed with an eating disorder.

Mid 20’s was when I finally received some answers. Working intensely with my general practitioner, eventually being referred to a psychiatrist. After completing questionaries for 2hours and then a face-to-face appointment with the psychiatrist, I received the diagnosis of level two autism. It was something I have intermittently questioned in my early adulthood but to hear those words, felt like a weight lifted off my chest.

I felt something click inside me, validation?

It’s an unusual feeling to finally realise your not broken or stupid, your just different and there is nothing wrong with that.

At this time, I was also diagnosed with type one Bipolar and PTSD. I always knew I had PTSD; the hysterical nightmares, paralysing panic attacks, and frequent flash backs were kind of obvious.

I have been admitted into a psych ward and was placed on an Assessment Order. Australia’s legal mental health order that takes my right to leave away.

I have been on medication since, with increases as needed. It seems to be keeping my ‘Mr Hyde’ side at bay currently.

Since my psych admission, several mental health practitioners, including my regular doctor, have been questioning ADHD. I don’t know if I want to battle down that road. My doctor is highly encouraging, making comments regarding concerns of a false diagnoses of an eating disorder. Stating it could be part of the ADHD, among many other issues.

I am concerned of the stigma of ‘chasing diagnoses’.

Those who have been medicated, probably would understand that medications are not a magic wand. They do not cure you or fix things 100%. I still require intense therapy, however due to the ridiculous cost, I am unable to ascertain appointments that fit my financial situation. I have struggled with psychologists, having seen almost 20 different psychologists in my approximately 20years.

I am learning every day about my ASD, realising things I’ve done for my whole life are my symptoms.

It’s a lifetime battle and I’ve only just begun.

I would love to hear your stories. Tell me of your own battles with diagnoses or battle with self diagnoses.