Whisper Of A Past Pain (Final Part)

Her lungs ached, she could barely breathe and what she was breathing in was mostly tabaco. She needs to be clean.

But a thought penetrated her mind. A thought that she wished never happened. A thought that would negatively shape her future.

It was her fault.

If she didn't invite him over, it wouldn't have happened.

If she stopped it all at the first kiss, it wouldn't have happened.

If she had been okay with being single, none of this would have happened.

Instead of desperately seeking validation from men, she could have prevented this.

Because of this thought, a massive amount of guilt, self-hatred, washed over Amy. How could she let this happen? Hadn't she learnt from the trauma with the last guy that forced himself on her.

Why didnt she love herself? Was she to repeat this again and again?

Amy wanted to die.

Getting home, Amy went numb. Sitting at the bottom of the shower, crying. Tears mixing with water, streaming down her face. Having an overwhelming need to clean herself. She scrubbed her body red raw. Water gush down her hair and face. Staring at the floor of the shower that was over her bathtub. She felt like hours had past.  

She wanted to die.

End it all then and there. Why should she continue, there was nothing good in this world. She put the plug in in the bath, continuing to let the shower run over her.  Gradually she turned and laid in the bath. Face first. She prayed. Never religious, never believing in god, but she prayed nonetheless. Wished her family well. Putting her face into the ever-growing pool of water.

She laid there.

Still.

Not fighting, for she had nothing left to give. Amy was at peace with her decision. Since a young age, Amy had known no peace or calm. Ridiculed, bullied, and harassed for being different. Insulted by teachers, assaulted by students. For the first time, Amy had total control.

As Amy was almost at the point of no return. A picture flashed across her eyes.

It startled her. Jumping up out of the pool of water.

Catching her breath. Rapidly trying to inhale oxygen. Coughing up the water residing in her lungs.

What was she doing. There was one reason to live. A person she owed her life too. Someone she swore a vow to protect and fight for every day. Someone who's smile lit up any room.

Amys daughter. Her one good thing in life. Her world, her life, her reason.